Tips for Navigating Situations Where Grown Children Hurt Your Feelings

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”  —Proverbs 22:6, ESV

When considering how to deal with disrespectful adult children, this verse feels more like a dagger to the heart than a balm to your soul.  

Handling disrespect was easy when they were kids. You saw the behavior, set a boundary, and handled the consequences when the boundary was crossed. It wasn’t your favorite parenting job, but the end goal was obvious—you were working to raise godly children who would grow into gracious, considerate adults, the kind of adults you would want to have as friends and be doubly blessed to call family.  

Disrespect is difficult to handle in any situation, but when disregard, impatience, or thoughtless behavior is entwined with parental guilt it may seem unbearable. So how do you deal with your adult children when they are being disrespectful?  

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” —Proverbs 18:13, ESV 

First, let’s define what disrespect is and what it isn’t.  

Respect: “to consider worthy of high regard: esteem” or “an act of giving particular attention: consideration” 

Disrespect: “to lack special regard or respect for” or “to show or express contempt for”  

It’s important to note respect is not compliance, obedience, or agreement. In the same vein, disrespect isn’t a difference of opinion or a disagreement. Disrespect implies a choice to purposefully and destructively combat another’s beliefs or values. 

If you believe your adult child is being disrespectful, first prayerfully consider why their behavior is so disruptive. Can you specifically state what feels disrespectful?  

• A combative tone of voice or dismissive responses? 
• Physical disregard like rolling their eyes, ignoring you, or refusing to engage in conversation? 
• Blaming, mocking, or using abusive language? 
• Defying agreements about money or living arrangements? 

And while you’re exploring these feelings, check yourself at the door to make sure these difficult behaviors aren’t a reflection of your own. 

• Am I using any of the behaviors I find disrespectful?  
• Am I using language or actions that belittle my adult child? 
• Is it possible I’m expecting behavior which was required for a little child but is not required of an adult? 

In a recent article detailing tips from a therapist, Kaytee Gillis says it this way: “Respect is a two-way street. If grown children feel that their parents don’t respect them—perhaps by dismissing their opinions or choices—they might respond with disrespect. This can create a cycle where both parties feel disrespected and continue to treat each other poorly.” 

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:31-32, ESV 

It’s challenging to stay levelheaded and make wise choices when someone you love is pushing your buttons. Dealing with disrespect requires patience, kindness, strength, and courage. Pray for wisdom in your actions and speech as you show yourself some respect and create loving boundaries.  

There’s an obvious correlation between respect and boundaries. Boundaries aren’t just rules. They are a hedge of protection around your values and your own needs. In society, boundaries are needed to create an even playing field where all the players understand the parameters of the game. In relationships, boundaries are a way of showing yourself respect, while also showing respect to others. 

When you’re ready, consider approaching a conversation with your child to discuss the disrespect, following a few key steps: 

• Look carefully for core behaviors rather than the details of this particular fight.  
• Let them know you love them. 
• Own how and why their disrespectful behavior affects you.  
• Ask for what you need. 

For example, if they have begun to include expletives in their everyday language, let them know and set some boundaries.  

“I know you’re not a little kid, but I’m still your mom. I love that you’re sharing what’s going on in your life, but cursing isn’t something I’m comfortable with. I’d appreciate your understanding by keeping the language softer when we hang out.” 

This simple (but not always easy) technique will work for the hard things too. Think, defying agreements about money, issues with living arrangements, or blaming you for past parenting choices.  

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.” —Psalm 103:10, ESV 

When addressing conflict in your families, it’s easy to get caught in the cycle of “who hurt me first, who hurt me worse,” but this train of thought is a trap. God doesn’t keep count and neither should we—be willing to forgive first. Everyone makes mistakes in parenting and as adults we get to own those mistakes. Likewise, your adult children, who are no longer children, get to own their own behavior and choices now. Forgiveness is healing. Be willing to work toward peace and walk forward in a new way with your kids.