Eight Tips To Help You When Setting Boundaries With Your In-Laws
Let’s start with a scenario. A newlywed couple finds a house they really like that happens to be on the same street the husband’s mom lives on. The couple shares with her they are considering purchasing the home. The next day, she calls and says, “I’ve thought about it and I’m OK with you all living up the street. I will call before I visit, and I expect the same from you.” Was this mom out of line, or was she setting a healthy boundary with her son and daughter-in-law?
Just saying the word “boundaries” out loud can create uneasiness, especially when dealing with in-laws. Part of a newly married couple’s new “normal” includes figuring out how to navigate life with both sets of parents aka setting boundaries with in-laws.
Here are a few helpful tips for you and your spouse to move forward in a positive direction when setting boundaries with your in-laws.
1. Assume the Best
Most parents are trying to navigate how to be “good” in-laws. At times, they may overstep because they love you and your spouse and want to spend time with you, not because they are trying to be intrusive. Therefore, it’s best to assume their intentions are pure. Honor your spouse and your in-laws by being kind. You cannot control their actions; however, you can control what you say and do.
2. Pray
After you’ve assumed the best and before you have conversations with your spouse related to appropriate boundaries, pray. Ask the Lord to guide your discussions and give you the discernment, courage, and strength to be Christ-honoring in creating a plan and sharing it with each of your families.
3. Show Compassion
Your parents were once in the position you find yourselves in now. While they may have momentarily forgotten what it was like dealing with their parents and in-laws, hopefully they’ll remember and give you space to figure out what works best for you. This new season is an adjustment for all parties involved.
4. Create a Plan
Clarity is kindness. As a couple, talk. Have conversations, likely more than one, about how each of you would like to engage with each of your parents. As you consider setting boundaries with in-laws, keep in mind the needs of your family and marriage, in this season, as well as expectations from your in-laws. Ask yourselves questions like, “What do we have capacity for right now?”; “What responsibilities are we currently managing (family, church, work, and otherwise)?”; “What are our parents asking us, and can we commit or is there a compromise to be had?”
5. Have Conversations
Once you’ve made a plan, sit down with each set of parents and have a conversation. Each spouse should take the lead in conversing with their parents. Remember—how you say things really matters. Are you being respectful? Keep your end goal in mind—be in a healthy relationship with your parents/in-laws.
6. Shed Guilt
Feeling guilty doesn’t usually lead to a constructive outcome. While it may be the feeling you experience after meeting with your families, be patient. Setting boundaries can be new territory for your parents, so it may take them a minute to adjust to the changes. Even if they don’t do well with the initial conversation and express disappointment, it’s highly likely they will come around once they’ve had time to process and/or once follow-up conversations have been had.
7. Have Your Spouse’s Back
After a boundary-setting conversation, your parents might pull you aside to see if you were “all-in” on the decisions made. Working as a team is vital to your marriage relationship, so be confident in the decisions you and your spouse have made together and let them know it was a mutual decision.
8. Extend Grace
Typically, newly married couples fret about their “in-laws” and couples who are “in-laws” truly desire healthy dynamics all-around. Still, there are times when lines are crossed and feelings are hurt. Harboring the hurt can lead to bitterness and disappointment. The most constructive thing you can do is extend grace, have ongoing, open conversations, and continue working towards healthy relationships.
Sometimes, through no fault of your own, you and your spouse may be in a situation where your parents/in-laws are unhealthy and toxic. If you’re in this position and struggling to move forward, seek guidance from someone who is trained in helping people have healthy relationships. Together, you can create a plan that honors your marriage and your extended family.
