What Is Stonewalling, and What Do I Do if I’m Experiencing It?
How do I respond to stonewalling by my spouse? Great question. For starters, it’s important to understand what stonewalling is and why it happens. However, to do this, we need to do some digging into relationship habits and research when it comes to facing conflict as a couple.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman have spent nearly five decades working with thousands of couples conducting breakthrough research. They’ve observed many marriage patterns and specifically studied how couples engage in conflict. Some couples experience conflict and navigate through it constructively while others feel attacked and at odds with each other. In one study, the Gottmans said they could predict with 94% accuracy which couples would stay together based on conflict patterns they observed. This is where stonewalling comes into play.
Before we dive deeper into these conflict patterns, including stonewalling, there are two conflict myths we need to bust. If you and your spouse believe these lies about conflict, the rest of this article won’t be helpful.
What are these conflict myths?
First—healthy marriages are conflict free. False. It is very difficult to have a healthy marriage if you never experience conflict. Conflict in your marriage is not bad. It is how you manage conflict that can have a positive or negative impact on your marriage.
Second—every disagreement must have a resolution. False. There are some things you’re going to disagree about for the duration of your marriage. In fact, 69% of conflicts are perpetual conflicts throughout your marriage. This does not mean you have an unhealthy marriage. Again, how you manage these differences matters.
So, it is OK to have conflict in your marriage, and you will have conflicts in your marriage that are never fully resolved.
Where does stonewalling come into play?
The Gottmans define stonewalling in this way.
In a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they’re feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.
Dr. Gottman’s research found the effects of stonewalling to be so profound he characterized it as one of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—four behaviors, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that, if not identified, eliminated, and replaced with healthy behaviors, can lead to the decline and eventual demise of a marriage. Let’s quickly break down each of these behaviors as they often are seen in conjunction with one another.
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Criticism
Criticism is an “attack on your spouse at the core of their character.” You complain in a way that doesn’t address the issue but instead suggests there is something wrong with your spouse. “You’re incompetent; you can’t even read a grocery list correctly.”
Contempt
According to the Gottmans, contempt is the best predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated. Contempt moves beyond criticism—it assumes a position of moral superiority. When one spouse believes they are superior, they talk down to their spouse, mock them, hurl insults at them, and call them names. “Didn’t you learn to read in kindergarten. How could you not see milk on the list. You never pay attention. You’re always moving too fast. You don’t think twice about checking. You make my life harder.”
Defensiveness
The third horsemen is defensiveness, and it is typically used as a response when a person feels criticized. When a spouse feels criticized, they usually meet the criticism by playing the innocent victim or reversing the blame to turn it back on their spouse. “Did you go to the store on the way home?” “No, I was so busy I couldn’t fit it in. In fact, you knew I had a busy day. Why couldn’t you do it?”
Stonewalling
And finally, stonewalling is when a spouse emotionally withdraws from the conflict, shuts down, and stops responding. In many instances, when someone stonewalls there is a lot happening with them physiologically. They may be experiencing a rapid heartbeat upwards of 100 beats per minute, their breathing may become shallow, they may lose color in their face, and their eyes may become glazed as they start to stare into space. All these physical responses prevent them from being able to think clearly. In short, they are being flooded. Stonewalling can be compared to the “freeze” part of “fight, flight, or freeze mode,” when being flooded.
Isn’t stonewalling just the silent treatment?
Yes and no. The difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment is intent. While both behaviors shut down communication and distance you from your spouse, stonewalling is a defense mechanism whereas the silent treatment is a punishment or manipulation.
Stonewalling usually takes place in the middle of a disagreement. As the conversation becomes uncomfortable or heated, your spouse may suddenly disengage, abruptly stop responding to questions, stare at you blankly, or move focus to anything other than the situation at hand to cope with being overwhelmed to the point they can’t function.
How do I respond to stonewalling or one of the other horsemen?
The Gottmans and other marriage researchers have found that in healthy relationships it isn’t the absence of conflict that makes the marriage relationship healthy, it’s the way couples manage it. So, the goal is not to eliminate conflict. The goal is to better manage how you and your spouse are engaging in conflict—to not fall into one of the four horsemen.
Here’s what to keep in mind.
First, your marriage relationship can get better. For each of the four horsemen, the Gottmans have found an antidote.
The Antidote to Criticism
Complain without blame. Don’t imply that your spouse’s character is defective. Bring the issue to the table in a gentle way—use a gentle start-up. When using a gentle start-up, you avoid using “you” statements which incite blame. Instead, use “I” statements. “I’m feeling frustrated an item was missed at the store because it pushes back my start time for dinner,” versus, “You forgot, and you’re the reason dinner is going to be late.”
The Antidote to Contempt
Contempt must be avoided at all costs. The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Couples who handle conflict well have a foundation of expressing respect and gratitude for their spouse. Pay attention to things your spouse does you can outwardly express thankfulness for. Say out loud, “If you wouldn’t mind loading the dishwasher I’d appreciate it because I have to work late,” and, “Thank you for remembering to load the dishwasher. It was nice to come home to a clean kitchen after a long day.”
The reason building a culture of appreciation is the antidote to contempt is because creating positive feelings around your relationship acts as a buffer for negative feelings. A respectful request coupled with a statement of appreciation keeps you from assuming a position of moral superiority. It expresses understanding from the start.
The Antidote to Defensiveness
When you are tempted to be defensive, pause and consider accepting responsibility for whatever portion of the issue you can own. Be curious. Ask your spouse what you could do differently that would be helpful.
The Antidote to Stonewalling
How do you respond to stonewalling by your spouse? For both parties, taking a minimum 20-minute time-out will allow each of you to physiologically self soothe.
I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed. A time-out would be helpful. Can we try to talk about this again in 30 minutes.
Whether you were stonewalling or were on the receiving end, this time-out is crucial for both parties. Because of the physiological responses happening like an increased heart rate, spending time doing something soothing and distracting will naturally lower that heart rate. Physical activity is a great way to burn off stress like going for a short walk, chopping wood, or weeding because it gives your brain something else to focus on and helps your body release pent-up anxiety.
You could also try a softer approach such as cuddling a pet, taking a warm shower, listening to soft music, or taking 10 deep breaths. The idea is to calm down and change your physical and mental state, so when you go back to the topic at hand, you have a refreshed mindset and can approach the conversation from a loving, peaceful place.
Warning: Do not spend the time-out planning a comeback or replaying the argument in your mind. The goal is to take care of yourself and get your heart and mind ready to listen and learn.
This article has been enlightening. What if we need deeper care?
If you believe stonewalling or one of the other horsemen has been going on so long in your marriage there is no way you are going to be able to dig your way out of the ditch, consider getting a third party involved. A qualified counselor is not a referee; they’re an unbiased third party with the skills to help you implement these strategies and encourage connection.
Everyone is a work in progress. Everyone needs compassion, including ourselves, so we can grow and change and be the person God intended us to be.
If you are experiencing abuse in your marriage, or someone you know is, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. If someone is monitoring your device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. Learn more about what defines an abusive relationship.
