And Do We Have a Failure to Launch Situation on Our Hands?

It can sneak up on you and your spouse suddenly or happen overtime. Your adult child moved back home after graduation or a job change. You thought it would be a quick stopgap between apartments, but six months have passed and they’re still living in their old room with no plans to leave. Is it failure to launch syndrome?

What Is Failure to Launch Syndrome?

Failure to launch syndrome isn’t a medical diagnosis. It’s a cultural term for young adults who have difficulty transitioning to the responsibilities of independent adulthood. And though it can conjure visions of a 29-year-old playing video games in their parents’ basement, the reality is more complicated.

Not all adult children living at home are experiencing failure to launch syndrome. A Pew Research study showed the number of young adults living at home increased 16% from 1971 to 2021 and is anticipated to continue rising. Financial realities like escalating costs of living and higher student debt balances have made it difficult for entry level workers to live on their own.

Studies also tout the many benefits of living in a multigenerational home for members in each generation. Those just entering the workplace have additional emotional support and wise counsel as they learn the disciplines and politics of business environments. And older generations may gain additional family and childcare assistance and engagement with the physical and mental needs of elderly family members.

The difference between these situations and failure to launch syndrome is a mutually agreed upon plan where both the parents and adult children are happy with the current arrangement and have a clear exit strategy. What’s more, the adult child is productive and living their own life while merging with the family unit as a roommate or caregiver.

Is It Failure to Launch Syndrome or Laziness?

Great question! It can be hard to tell if your young adult is in turmoil or taking advantage of your loving concern and resources. So before you set down a series of ultimatums, it’s important to talk and pray about the situation as a husband and wife team. As with everything else in your parenting journey, having honest conversations with your spouse about your individual experiences and expectations will provide context for your decisions as a couple and give you the support and strength of a united front.

What did our lives look like at their age?

• What did you do after graduating from high school or college?
• How much financial and/or emotional support did your parents provide you and for how long?
• Where did your peers live?
• How long did it take for you to feel independent?

Are there aspects of our adult child’s current lifestyle causing concern?

• Are we seeing signs of anxiety or depression?
• Do we suspect substance abuse?
• Are they skipping classes or ignoring job obligations and responsibilities?
• Are they unemployed or intentionally underemployed?
• Are they avoiding conversations about short-term plans or their future?

It’s a cruel twist, but there’s a possibility your efforts to be kind, involved, loving parents might be keeping your adult child from moving forward, which leads to the hardest question.

What part are we playing in this problem?

Remember, these questions are not meant to pit you and your spouse against each other. “Well, you definitely do that. I’m not a part of that.” Be honest and gracious with one another and have a dialogue. You’re approaching this as a husband and wife team.

• If there are older siblings…What were our experiences with them at this stage?
• Have we fallen into old parenting habits? Are we doing their laundry, preparing meals, cleaning up after them, and keeping them on schedule?
• Are we paying their bills or providing the bulk of their spending money?
• Are we communicating honestly about our expectations and sharing our concerns?
• Do we speak with them in mature, results-driven dialogues, or are we nagging, complaining, and hoping they’ll get the hint?
• Have we said the words, “It’s time to move out,”?

The bottom line—even if you are not in a hurry for them to move out, it’s not healthy for an adult to live with no responsibilities, no purpose, and no sources of income. If they are not in crisis and living in your house rent free, unemployed, and not helping with the household or taking actions toward personal goals, you may need to look inward.

How Do We Help Them Launch?

Once you and your spouse are on the same page, it’s time to open the door to conversation(s) with your son or daughter and ultimately create an exit strategy—a road map with concrete goals and expectations designed to help your adult child take responsibility for the direction of their life. This will likely require a few conversations.

Experts suggest opening the conversation over dinner or coffee at your young adult’s favorite restaurant. The combination of neutral territory and everyone being fed and relaxed will set you up for success.

Be prepared to listen more than lecture, discussing the situation as adults. In the beginning, the goal is to listen carefully to your young adult for understanding and clarification.

Ask Questions

• How are you feeling about your life? Tell me more about that.
• What’s next? What excites you about that?
• What do you like and dislike about your job?
• What has kept you from getting a job? Tell me more about that.
• What do you like and dislike about living at home?

Allowing your young adult to respond openly and without judgment will help you gather information about their concerns, dreams, and plans. Are they afraid of making a mistake or disappointing you? Maybe, they have a plan and are doing more than it appears. Are they overwhelmed or anxious? Or are they having a good time and don’t feel the need to change?

Giving them space to feel safe and heard will give you a clearer picture of fears and anxieties that may be holding them back and will help you discover ways to support them as they move toward living on their own.

Share Your Concerns

Now, it’s your turn. Compassionately express your concerns for their well-being and why the current living situation is a problem. Don’t be shy about sharing how their presence is impacting your finances, social and work lives, and marriage relationship. This is an opportunity to treat your child like an adult and clearly communicate your own thoughts and feelings.

Make a Plan

Once you all agree on an end goal, it’s time to create the exit strategy.

1. Decide on a time line. Include short-term goals like finding employment, contributing to household responsibilities, and setting up a budget and long-term goals like finding an apartment, finding roommates, and setting a move out date. Continue to have open dialogue. What do you need to have in place to move out? How much money do you need to live on your own? How can we support your job hunting efforts?
2. Collaborate on the realistic expectations and fair consequences for missing deadlines or failing to complete tasks.
3. Give your adult child the power to be their own manager. Encourage them to fill you in on their successes and difficulties, but let them take the lead.
4. Don’t be afraid to get some help. If the conversations and plans continue to stall, consider asking a counselor to help. This could include career planning, discussion about why your young adult is stuck, and feedback for you and your spouse on how to provide support without becoming a crutch.

While your young adult works toward completing the plan, take time to pray. Take time to encourage. Remind them you believe in them.