What To Do When Your Spouse Is Experiencing a Season of Grief
Grief has a way of shaking everything up—your routines, your relationships, and even your sense of stability. And when it hits your spouse, it can feel overwhelming to know how to help. You want to do something, say something, and fix something. But the truth is, one of the most powerful things you can do is observe. That might sound passive, but there’s a deep strength in being fully present and intentional without rushing in to “fix” the pain.
C.S. Lewis, in his raw and poignant book, “A Grief Observed,” shares his journey of mourning after losing his wife. His reflections aren’t just about surviving grief but about witnessing it and acknowledging the emotions, the silence, the questions, and even the anger. Lewis’ valuable approach to grief in his classic novel teaches us that observing isn’t just standing by. It’s an act of love, attention, and care.
How To Observe Your Spouse’s Grief
When you’re wondering how to help a grieving spouse, first think of yourself as a gentle observer. This doesn’t mean you’re uninvolved; it means you’re watching, listening, and staying attuned to what they need without overwhelming them. Here are some ways to make your observation meaningful.
1. Recognize Their Unique Process
No two people grieve the same way. Your spouse might withdraw, cry, stay busy, or even seem irritable. Pay attention to their way of grieving without expecting it to look like what you think grief should be. C.S. Lewis wrote about his own shifting emotions—some days filled with deep sorrow, others with numbness. By noticing how your spouse is feeling in the moment, you can support them authentically without imposing your expectations.
2. Notice Without Fixing
Grief can make you feel helpless, and as a spouse, your natural instinct can be to jump in with solutions or advice. Resist that urge. Instead, watch for cues about what your spouse really needs. Do they want to talk? Or would they prefer a quiet hug? Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is let them lead while you follow, offering a comforting presence instead of quick answers.
3. Give Them Space to Feel
Grief is messy, and it doesn’t follow a tidy timeline. Your spouse might cycle through emotions you didn’t expect—or stay stuck in one place for longer than you imagined. That’s OK. Observing their journey with patience, without rushing them to “move on,” shows them that you’re in it for the long haul. Grief unfolds differently for everyone, and your willingness to give space for that process speaks volumes about your love and commitment.
4. Understand the Silent Language of Grief
Not all grief is expressed in words. Sometimes it shows up in a distant look, a slower pace, or changes in routine. Pay attention to these nonverbal signs. Observing the small, silent ways your spouse is grieving can help you offer support that feels intuitive and natural, like bringing them their favorite coffee on a hard morning or sitting beside them during a quiet moment.
5. Be Present Without Being Intrusive
Observing isn’t about hovering or being overly involved. It’s about showing up, staying near, and letting your spouse know they’re not alone. C.S. Lewis wrote about the loneliness of grief that can cause one to feel abandoned. Your presence can counteract that loneliness—not by saying or doing the “right thing,” but simply by being there, steady, and dependable.
Observing your spouse’s grief is about being fully present and tuning in to their emotions, their silence, and even the moments when they don’t have the words to express their pain. It’s about showing up with patience and love, giving them space to feel, and acknowledging your awareness of their grief through affirming actions. If you’re wondering what this kind of quiet support looks like in practice, the Bible gives us a beautiful example in the story of Job. Job’s friends, while not perfect later on, started off by demonstrating exactly how to show up for someone in the depths of grief. Here’s what it says in Job 2:11-13, ESV.
Now when Job’s three friends hear of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.
Job’s friends provide a powerful model of how to observe someone in pain. In Job 2:11-13, when they see Job’s great suffering, they sit with him in silence for seven days. They don’t try to explain his pain or offer advice—they just sit. Their quiet presence communicates compassion and solidarity in a way words never could. Similarly, when you observe your spouse’s grief, you’re saying, “I see your pain, and I’m here with you in it.”
Observing allows you to meet people where they are in their grief and provides a safe space for healing. Observing grief isn’t passive, but it’s one of the most active, supportive, and loving things you can do for your spouse. It’s about being present with patience, understanding their pain without trying to fix it, and creating a safe space where healing can begin. Grief has no shortcuts, but your attentive love can make the journey less lonely.
So, if your spouse is grieving, don’t feel like you have to say all the right things or have all the answers. Instead, choose to observe. Watch, listen, and be there. Your quiet strength and unwavering presence will speak louder than words ever could. And in time, they’ll feel the healing power of being deeply seen, deeply loved, and knowing they’re never alone.
