Tips for Navigating Situations Where Grown Children Hurt Your Feelings

Ruffled feathers and disagreements happen in every relationship, but what do you do when your grown child hurts your feelings?

A grown child hurting your feelings is in many ways no different than a bump in the road with a good friend. After all, who hasn’t had a moment when they wished they could chase down careless words or replay an awkward situation? With friends, it’s pretty easy to do a quick assessment and decide if it’s something you should talk out or let go. But these situations seem to carry more punch coming from your grown children. And the gift of family ties turns a simple misunderstanding into a complicated bundle of feelings that ties you up in knots.

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” —Proverbs 12:18, ESV  

Rather than shooting from the hip and parenting your adult children, this is a space where you and your spouse, as the perceptive older adults, get to dig into your life experience and evaluate the situation with care and wisdom. Praying about it as a couple is a great place to start. Then, talk it out and think carefully about how and why the comment or situation is nagging at you. Working as a team helps you see the bigger picture and discern if this is a problem or a moment in time. 

Here are a few things to consider. 

• If one of your best friends behaved the same way, how would you feel? 
• Was it an impulsive choice or an intentional slight? 
• Is it possible they were using strong language because they consider you a safe space? 
• Were they sharing opinions that don’t align with your own beliefs?  
• Were their words unkind or merely more direct than usual? 

And be sure to look at your own motivations. 

• Is it possible you overstepped a boundary your kids have asked you to acknowledge? 
• Is it possible you came off as adamant in your own opinion?  
• Is it possible you reacted in a dismissive or overly forceful way? 

These questions will easily guide you to the bigger one—how important is what happened compared to the importance of your overall relationship?  

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” —Luke 6:31, ESV  

The sting of hurt feelings, especially from your grown children, is never fun, but not every comment or hurtful situation needs to be hashed out. If your “why” behind opening a new conversation is to punch back or defend your own position, it may be wisest to work through those feelings on your own. Remember, you raised your kids to become adults who have their own grown-up opinions and points of view. Find ways to encourage mutual growth by having meaningful conversations about deep topics, even when you don’t agree. Total agreement is not required for harmony. But a caring and curious conversation can spark great change.

Now, if you’ve decided your hurt feelings are worthy of conversation, start from a place of grace and assume the best of their intentions. Whether or not they were aware their actions were hurtful, starting from love will lead your conversation in a positive direction. Set the intention from the beginning to have a resolution-oriented discussion. 

Keep it personal. 

Choose a setting that’s comfortable for you both and supports open communication. This isn’t a time to bring in all the siblings or comment on a social media post. 

Use your “I” statements.  

“I wanted you to know it hurt my feelings when you said __________. I don’t believe it was intentional, but I thought you should know.” 

Let them know you’ve spent time thinking about the situation. 

“After our dinner, I couldn’t stop thinking about __________. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be hurtful, but it felt more pointed than I think you intended.  

Acknowledge your respect for their point of view. 

“Can we talk? I feel the political conversation took a divisive turn during our last family dinner. I respect your political point of view and I’m happy you’re involved and invested.  I’m also committed to respecting the opinions of the rest of the family. Can we keep those conversations one-on-one in the future?” 

If the conversation gets unexpectedly combative or starts to escalate, do what you can to put on the brakes. This might be a bigger issue than you first anticipated, and it would be wise to reassess. Whether you choose to let it go or talk it out, remember to make the decision that’s best for the whole relationship.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” —Romans 12:18, ESV

Friendship implies a meeting of equals bonded by honesty, respect, empathy, trust, and a large dose of humor. Building a friendship with your adult children is a rewarding, healthy way to stay connected as they evolve and as your family grows and changes. And yes, hurt feelings are bound to happen along the way for both of you. But don’t give up. This friendship is worth it.