Three Helpful Strategies for Resolving Conflict With Your Spouse 

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” —Proverbs 15:18, ESV 

Marriage is filled with moments of temporary madness. The first tingle of flirtation. The whirlwind of falling in love. The excitement of a wedding. The breakneck speed of time taking you from newlyweds to your 10th anniversary and beyond. And then there are the moments of madness created by misunderstanding, anger, or plain ol’ selfishness. Tempers flare, ugly words are spoken, and both of you are left in the ashes of a volcano. In the difficult moments of marital conflict, it feels impossible to pinpoint rational, fair conflict resolution strategies.

We’re all innately sinful, and selfishness will rear its ugly head from time to time. In times of conflict, you and your spouse may find yourselves more concerned about being right than doing the right thing for your marriage.   

The conflict resolution strategies outlined below are not magic recipes, but they can help you and your spouse learn to communicate and disagree on a more level playing field. 

Be a Firefighter 

Keeping the flames of an argument from heating up into a wildfire can be as easy as remembering to “stop, drop, and roll.” In a fire, stopping minimizes the airflow which would fan flames if a person instinctively ran. Dropping makes the flames go vertical, reducing the areas likely to burn. And rolling reduces airflow –helping to extinguish the flames.  

In a conflict, the same tools help you catch your breath and choose your actions carefully. When you feel a conflict moving into an explosion, stop. Take a deep breath, grab your spouse’s hand and tell them you need a time-out. Drop the heat of the topic by looking inward. 

• What am I feeling right now?  
• What is the outcome I would like?
• Why is this important?
• What unspoken expectations have I brought to this conversation?
• What outcome is best for my marriage? 

As you prepare to roll back into a conversation with your spouse, take a few more minutes to talk with God. Ask for discernment and wisdom in your words. Express your gratitude for your spouse and marriage. And if you’re still too angry to go there, try meditating on an encouraging bible verse. Psalms and Proverbs are a great place to spend time when your emotions are high. After some time away, you’ll find the flames have turned to embers and you’ll be ready to approach the topic again. 

Take Turns 

Finding ways to have clear, safe communication in the midst of conflict can be challenging. “The Speaker-Listener Technique,” presented in the book Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley, Rhoades, and Levine, helps you flex your listening skills and rein in tendencies to react too quickly or defensively.   

The ground rules are simple. You and your spouse take turns speaking and listening.  What makes the difference (and keeps this out of argument territory) is the conversation is broken into two equally important roles. The speaker has the floor and is given space to talk while the listener attentively listens knowing they will need to share what they’ve heard to the speaker. This clever activity slows down the heat of an argument by reframing where you place your attention. As the listener, your attention is focused on listening carefully to grasp the meaning and intent of your spouse’s words. You’re listening to understand your spouse not to respond to them. And as the speaker, you have the responsibility to pay attention to your words and speak in a loving, honest, clear way.  

The Ground Rules: 

1. The speaker has the floor. If you’re the listener, follow the rules below for the listener and wait for your turn to be the speaker. Use an object, such as a pen, to show who the speaker is. 
2. Share the floor. Take turns letting each person be the speaker. 
3. Don’t problem-solve. Focus on having a good discussion, not finding a solution.  

Rules for the Speaker:  

1. Speak for yourself. Don’t read your spouse’s mind. Express your feelings and thoughts using “I” statements to express your point of view.
2. Be brief. Don’t go on and on each time. You will have plenty of time to talk about everything that is on your mind as you both take turns.
3. Stop and let the listener paraphrase. After you’ve spoken for a short while, let your spouse paraphrase what you said. If the paraphrase is not quite accurate, politely restate what you meant to help them understand your point of view. 

Rules for the Listener:  

1. Paraphrase what you heard. Repeat back what you heard in your own words to let your spouse know you understand what they are saying. Wait until your turn as speaker to ask more questions.
2. Focus on the speaker’s message. Don’t rebut. Remember: your job is to listen and understand what your spouse is saying. Wait until you are the speaker to offer your own opinion. 

Bridge the Gap 

Sometimes marital conflict is less about the topic and more about your individual communication styles. Dr. John Grey, a research psychologist, examined how the differences in brain processing speeds can create obstacles in marital communication.   

“When a speed difference exists between spouses, the faster one is able to put out more words per minute and will easily run circles around the slower one. This is not an indication of superior intelligence or of being right. It is strictly a speed difference which then affects the flow of conversation.” Grey continues, “It’s as if the couple is trying to dance together, but they move at different speeds. One partner is doing a fast jitterbug, the other a slow waltz. Trying to dance in two completely different tempos, they step on each other’s feet.”   

To bridge the gap, Grey suggests using the physical connection of holding hands to provide a cushion of safety and another layer of communication to discussions.   

1. Sit facing one another and hold hands.  
2. When the fast communicator is speaking, the listening spouse can give their hand a gentle squeeze (like the brakes on a bicycle) to slow down the conversation when they feel overwhelmed, need a few minutes to process, or feel the discussion is going off topic.  
3. Pause the conversation but continue to hold hands. This physical connection gives the listener time to get their bearings and the speaker the comfort to know their spouse is still engaged in the conversation. 
4. Take a breath and let your spouse know when you’re ready to start again. 

This technique is less about direct conflict resolution and more about learning how your spouse communicates. Giving a slow communicator time to hear what is being said also gives them safety and space to share their thoughts. And a fast communicator gains the connection of physical touch to help them regulate their desire to forge ahead and instead serve their spouse in an effective way.  

As you practice this, or any of the other techniques, it will become easier to recognize the differences you were drawn to when you first fell in love. By holding hands, taking your time, and working together, you will build trust and confidence in one another. One more gentle reminder—if your conflicts have hit a place where these tools seem out of reach, enlist the help of a wise counselor. Just like a coach or teacher, a qualified marriage counselor can help you see things in a new way and aid you in walking through the fire.  

The end goal, on your own or with a counselor, is recognizing conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding of the needs and concerns of your spouse. It’s another way “two become one,” intertwining your individual desires into the compassion and closeness God designed for your marriage.