Keeping a Positive Attitude When Your Spouse Is Stuck in Negativity 

How in the world do you deal with a negative spouse? These days, there’s a big trend in relationships around “matching energy.” When someone’s moody or distant, you respond by matching the same vibe they’re giving you. While understandable, this concept is not a best practice for those striving to be a light to others. This is especially a “no, thank you” in a marriage relationship because it can set up a dangerous spiral. If you match your spouse’s negative energy, things can go downhill fast, and pretty soon, both of you will be stuck in a space of discord and disconnection. 

Instead, when your spouse is stuck in negativity, consider a different approach. In, “The 4 Seasons of Marriage,” Dr. Gary Chapman encourages readers to take a step back and look at their spouse through a biblical lens, reminding them of who they are in God’s eyes and what marriage was created to be. A biblical worldview helps keep your surrounding circumstances positive because it anchors you in love and faith rather than in reaction. It postures you in the following truths. 

• Your spouse is made in God’s image. They’re worthy of love and respect, even on their tough days. 
• They’re uniquely gifted by God. Everyone has special qualities, even if they’re not shining through right now.
• They have a unique role and purpose in life. Just like you, they’re on a journey with purpose even if they don’t feel it right now.
• Marriage is God’s idea, meant to help you grow and complement each other. You’re a team that’s here to support one another, especially through challenges. 
• Marriage is ultimately meant to glorify God. When you serve your spouse and help them reach their God-given potential, you honor God in the process. 

Remembering these five truths helps you see your spouse as God does, even when they’re going through a tough season. This perspective helps you avoid getting sucked into a negative cycle and creates space for real change. 

Now, let’s get into the practical side of dealing with a negative spouse with three dos and three don’ts for responding to negativity in your marriage. 

Three Dos: How To Deal With a Negative Spouse

1. Recognize Your Own Thoughts 

When negativity hits, notice what’s going on in your mind. Are you letting your spouse’s attitude affect yours? Are you tempted to justify a bad mood because of their behavior? Taking ownership of your thoughts and choosing not to spiral can make a significant difference. Instead of reacting with frustration, pause for a moment to breathe and ask God to keep your heart centered in patience and kindness, just as Ephesians 4:2, NIV encourages us. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” 

2. Focus On Their Good Qualities 

In challenging seasons, it’s easy to forget the good things about your spouse. Make a list of what you love and appreciate about them. Maybe they’re a loyal friend and caring parent or they have a great sense of humor. Ask God to help you see these qualities and focus on them instead of the negative ones. This not only shifts your perspective but also helps you see your spouse as the person God created them to be—full of potential, value, and worth. 

3. Speak Life With Words of Affirmation 

Proverbs 18:21, NIV says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Words have an impact, and even small compliments or affirmations can lift your spouse’s spirit. Thank them for something they did, compliment a quality you admire, or remind them of their strengths. This doesn’t mean ignoring issues; it just means choosing to look for what’s good and bringing it to light. Chapman emphasizes that a positive attitude expressed in affirming words can be the spark that creates a positive response, even if it’s just a small shift at first.

Three Don’ts: How To Deal With a Negative Spouse  

1. Make Empty Threats Disguised as Boundaries 

Setting boundaries in marriage is healthy, but don’t use them as threats to get your spouse to change. Statements like, “If you don’t change, I’ll…” can damage trust and breed resentment. Instead, set respectful, clear boundaries for yourself, focusing on maintaining peace and respect without using boundaries to manipulate. 

2. Try To Change Your Spouse When They’re Not Ready 

Change is most meaningful when it comes from within. If your spouse is going through a rough patch, forcing them to “snap out of it” doesn’t help. Instead, focus on being a loving, supportive presence. Romans 12:2 reminds us that real transformation is a process, one that’s guided by God, not by force. Let your spouse know you’re there for them and give them the grace to work through things at their own pace. 

3. Engage in Protest Behavior 

It’s easy to fall into behaviors like giving the silent treatment or doing things just to get a reaction. These “protest behaviors” don’t solve anything; they just create more distance. Instead, follow Ephesians 4:29, NIV: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” Choose honest, gentle communication, and if you need space, express it respectfully. Little acts of love and grace, even when it’s hard, keep the door open for healing and growth. 

So, when dealing with a negative spouse, avoid “matching energy.” Instead, be the change you want to see in your spouse (Matthew 7:12) and find encouragement in Chapman’s words. “A positive attitude expressed in positive affirmations tends to create a positive response.” The choice to stay positive when your spouse is in a negative place is more than just optimism; it’s an act of faith. When you choose to approach your spouse with grace, kindness, and appreciation, you often see they naturally mirror the same energy back over time. It may not happen immediately, but with patience and persistence, your positive attitude can become a powerful force that turns a tough season into a time of growth and deeper connection. Trust that God is at work, and let His love flow through you, lifting your marriage one positive step at a time.

If you are experiencing abuse in your marriage, or someone you know is, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. If someone is monitoring your device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. Learn more about what defines an abusive relationship.